All posts filed under: Personal

Can’t Get Started…

I’ve been in a slump. Getting up before the sun would even think to rise. Brush my teeth. Go to work. I’m going through the motions, but I’m not getting anything done.  Maybe it’s because I’m afraid, or just ambivalent. I need to start writing it all down, but the words won’t come. I’m typing this now in hopes it will act as some sort of remedy. I’m uninspired precisely at the time it hurts me to be.  I’ll feel my hand gripping around the pen, ink will spill out, but the paper inevitably crumbles, again, into the discard bin.  I’m the type who stresses easy, whose hair is turning grey as my fingers run against the keyboard. Do you ever feel like an imposter in your own life? Like you’re faking yourself out? I look at the steps that I have taken and I can’t remember whose shoes I was wearing when I made them. I look at this reflection of a person, but she doesn’t look back. It’s hard to motivate myself to …

Roots

Some people have roots in their homeland, they hold a sense of belonging… A sense of purpose, the will, and want and need to nurture. Others, do not. Others take their roots with them; they harness them to the bottom of their soles and walk on, unknowing, but proud into that forethought, be it out of necessity or needlessness. I fall somewhere in between. The gypsy in me, like all of us, was born before into once solid bodies surmised only by the existence of their faith, their paths erased but their souls forever survived by the essence of one thing: Purpose. I’m relearning my purpose in the world, I’m recognizing my inner need and yearn to help others, and I’m slowly cultivating my outlet for that. The past year or two has been a roller coaster. I’ve traveled from one end of the country to the other, in a less romantic way than it may seem. I’ve abandoned ideas and embraced new ones, I’m learning and praying to the goddess to help me see my obstacles …

Ode to Earth

Love hides in loneliness, in the hollow parts of the soul. It sits there, in the dark, waiting patiently for distant murmurs to become vivid voices.  But it does not call out, will not call out.   That is the law that governs the heart,  It is for the seeker, Alone, to find Looking or not.  Sometimes you’ll see it shining between blades of grass,   or glistening on overturned stones at the bottom of riverbeds. Sometimes, it flicks back and forth in the flame of a candle, But other times, it stays lost and forlorn.  I went away this weekend. I packed my car & hit the road at midnight. I like traveling by myself, I like the freedom of just going, without fear, without resilience. I drove through the indigo dark down desert roads, and abandoned railroad towns. I passed weigh stations, and souls slumbering in their semis, like dragons guarding their hoards. It rained off and on & I kept a watchful eye on the creatures of the night (deer, and rabbit, and …

Flies on the Window

Flies on the window Trying to get out Float to the top Die at the bottom Clean them out of the crease In the frame Wash my hands after Sometimes I feel like the fly Searching for sustenance Lured inside by cool air And pretty lights & abundance of fruit in bowls on kitchen tables But then the window shuts, And I am trapped Will you clean me out, When you find me Dead at the Bottom?

Natural Guise

What kind of value is in a sunset in a blank stare of ruby sky that lasts minutes and dies forever repeating until eyes cannot see it. What kind of meaning does a moon hold that wanes tighter and tighter into celestial discipline that breaks and bends and therefore spends eternity existing for no other purpose than mystery While the humans gleam short-lived lives capsuled by illness and delusions because one of them talked to snakes and bit into apples Isn’t it a wonder how nature spirals? that rocks cut in two could hold crystals In oysters, pearls I’m not asking what the purpose is but what is the purpose? I’ve lost my only way to see Malice once to the ears is now melody We’re living in a vaudeville thriving on the innocent kill and I’m admiring the sunsets look how much the earth endures Yet we hold no regrets.

On Ambivalence & The Paths In Between

A blue pair of shoes came in the mail today, though there will be no aisle to walk down. Part of me recalls sooner times. Times when the air was thicker and there weren’t so many choices to take, and mistakes were absent in my mind. It isn’t until we start growing older that we realize what a treasure time was and how tentative it remains. I’ve tight-rope walked between two paths nearly my entire life, and I never made a decision to cross over, dedicate. I remained ambivalent, as so many do, out of fear, or maybe even a bit of arrogance. There were days when I woke up, not knowing who I was, now there are days when I wake up wondering who I could have been. Yet still there will be the day that I don’t wake up at all and I look inside myself now and wonder if it all even mattered…. Wonder if my life was or will be relevant to someone in some way, or if it will just …